glorious ruin

Okay, I’ll say it. This week has been a hard week. It takes a lot for me to admit that because I work hard at keeping things, at minimum, status quo. But nonetheless I have felt, at various times throughout the week, how its looked outside. Its been cold and cloudy with traces of snow on the ground which isn’t even pretty anymore because you can see the ugly brown, dead grass and mud overwhelming the blanket of snow. Why has it been tough? I spent a lot of time thinking about it and discussing this with my husband, who also has had a touch of the ickiness. Our conclusion is it probably is a culmination of things; prolonged days of clouds and cold doesn’t bode well for Midwesterners who are used to crisp, sunny, cloudless winter days with a few snow bursts to accent the beauty of wintertime. This year it hasn’t been so. Lots and lots of dark, cloudy days that make you want to do nothing but stay in bed, pull the sheets over your head and sleep until tomorrow, hoping the next day will be better than the last. Also, we as a family are in a constant state of limbo because my husband just graduated from grad school and is looking for a job which could possibly take us away from our hometown. We feel like we have one foot planted and another poised for action elsewhere… we just don’t know where. This effects looking for preschools, how invested we get in doing home improvement, how much time we invest cultivating new friendships, taking on new projects, and the list goes on.

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I think there’s something innate in all of us that longs for better days, even if we’ve had the blessing of constant superior ones. We long for the better, the more beautiful, and I think that’s part of divine design. I think we are created with a longing for what we were really created for. Perfection - God style. There’s hope that one day this will be so, and that’s what we have to hang on to while down here in the muck and mire. We are created with a foot planted here and a foot poised toward action elsewhere and we won't fully be satisfied until we are where we were truly meant to be... dwelling with our Creator.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.'"
Revelation 21:3,4

Until then, I want to focus on the glory God has graciously housed alongside us while we completely turned our will against him. The things that reflect who he is... like the snowbirds that are slowly reappearing around here giving us a hope for new life in the spring. Like the precious kiss of a big brother on the head of a baby sister who just bumped her head on the couch. Like the scent of turning pages of a great book that you just can't put down. Like a father gathering his children when they run to him to feel his loving arms wrap around them in safety as he walks through the front door. Our hope is this, things as they are now, are not how they will be.

"And he who was seated on the throne said,

‘Behold, I am making all things new.’”

-Revelation 21:5

celebration time!

It’s my husband’s birthday today!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY! And for my husband’s birthday, I got flowers, dinner at a yummy upscale restaurant, a new IPod, and an Ina Garten cookbook (Barefoot in Paris – LOVE IT!).

Our week-long celebration of him began on Saturday. He was at a meeting Saturday morning before our celebration began, and when he came back home mid-morning, he walked through the door with flowers in arm. For me. Just to say, as he put it, how much he was looking forward to spending the evening alone with his wife. (swoon) We had my parents watch the kids while we went out to a wonderful upscale restaurant (which we reserve only for very special occasions, as this one was!). We enjoyed a leisurely dinner of beet salad, goat cheese and pine nuts with beef cheeks, haricot verts and pureed potatoes. Mmmmm! And for desert a warm chocolate torte – very enjoyable.

Also, I had been talking about wanting an IPod for awhile, so after his birthday dinner, my husband took me to the Apple Store and he showed me one he was eyeing for me. I loved it and so on his birthday celebration evening, he bought me an IPod. It was a wonderful night, just to be with my man, and to be able to focus only on each other.

And then..... over the weekend we got this coupon from Borders and we also had leftover money from a gift card, as well as money off their rewards point system. So my husband suggested we use all of that to go get a cookbook that I’ve wanted for awhile but have been waiting since its so expensive. With all the couponage that we had, we got the thing for half-off! Way to go husband!

So, you see, I did really well on my husband’s 35^th birthday!

This exemplifies just the kind of man I married. He is so kind and loving. He goes out of his way to make me feel special and safe. He knows me so completely, like no one ever has, and yet he unconditionally loves me still. And you should see him with our kids. He is an extremely involved father, loving on his kids every second he can, and they deeply adore him right back.

So here’s to the person I admire most in this world, to the person I love more than I could ever dream to verbalize, to the one I am so blessed to entrust myself and our kids to…. Happy Birthday, my love. We have a few surprises for you too and we can’t wait until you get home tonight so we can celebrate you!

the glory of a stay-at-home mom

Before I was a stay-at-home mom/homemaker, I believed life, if I was at home full-time, would be so much more manageable and organized, the family well fed, the home more often clean than not, mail sorted, meals planned, laundry caught up, and life generally orderly. And then I became one.

Fueled by grandiose ideas and illusion, I've still spent a good deal of time trying to accomplish the aforesaid. Why, you may ask? That’s what I said!

The reality is, I've spent more time figuring out rather than implementing how and when to do grocery shopping for the week, how and when to get the laundry done, how to make the bed while my 11-month old opens drawers and pulls out underwear. And all the while the mail piles up for another day as my 4-year old clings to my leg with a low blood sugar meltdown begging for lunch because its been 5 hours since we last ate.

So…………

This is what I finally realized after four years of being a stay-at-home mom – IT DOESN’T MATTER. When my babies are grown I don’t want them to say, “Yeah, our mom was preoccupied and haggard, but boy she could take a mean pile of mail and sort the heck out of it.”

So I am making a conscious effort to lower my expectations of me, set realistic goals, and turn my gaze toward my kids.

I mean, who wants to be distracted from this?

Or would even think about missing a second of this?

So if you’ll excuse me for now, I’m going to go make a mess and I’m not even going to clean it up.

believe it

I can't believe I only posted 4 times in 2009. I can't believe that its been almost 1 year since my baby girl was born. I can't believe that my baby boy isn't a baby anymore. I can't believe my husband finished 6 long years of seminary. I can't believe its so foggy outside that I can barely see across the street from my house. I can't believe a couple of weeks ago we had record breaking cold and now the ever elusive "they" are talking about temperatures in the 60's. I can't believe I can still hear my daughter awake when she was supposed to fall asleep for nap about 30 minutes ago. I can't believe I haven't heard a peep out of my 4 year old who is supposed to be playing quietly in his room for "downtime." I can't believe I'm gonna have to go check on the noisy one who's supposed to be quiet and the quiet one who's supposed to be noisy. I can't believe it may take me another whole year to post something else. Here's to hoping there's more posting in 2010!

we are well

So much going on. I haven't abandoned altogether - maybe just a little bit for a little while. Kids are great, Kenny and I are great. We had a relaxing yet busy summer with so much going on. We have had an extraordinarily busy fall and I can't wait because this craziness will end with the semester and believe me - its crazy. We will possibly move, (we hope not) but it looks like a good probability, as we will go where God leads on the job front to some pastoral position somewhere in most likely the US. I haven't left forever and I always hope to post more often because there is always a lot to tell. But I'll have to see how that goes and plan on when things wind down (and they will) that I will keep everyone much better updated.

roles

In anticipation of having more than one child I closely listened to other mothers who spoke of their different, but similar, transitions going from one to two. As a result I was bracing for total and utter chaos, temper tantrums, arguments, and attitude. But what I found was I had a newborn who slept most of the time and a 3-year old who processes a lot internally, and together they let mommy catch her breath and ease into the role of mother of two. Don't get me wrong. We've had moments. Sometimes long, brain-rattling moments. But for the most part I could not have asked for a better transition and for this I am extremely grateful.

As we've become a family of four, I see how my role has been solidified as the mothering caretaker who is there to pass out hugs, love, take care of the little lives and hold the family together (and also who is the eternal flow of food for the newborn). I love this, but somehow this has squeezed me into the you-are-not-the-fun-provider-but-rather-daddy-is role. This was painfully obvious two days ago when I sat to play trains with my son and he kept saying, "No, mommy, don't chug that train. You go pway trucks."
"What?! I want to play trains with YOU!"
"No, you can pway trucks - I pway with daddy when he gets home."
Bummer.
But later he got excited about something and ran in to tell me so I could be excited with him and give him a big hug and a kiss. And after that he bumped his hand on a toy and needed a kiss on the owie. And then he needed that cuddle time with mommy before bed as he quieted down from the day. And then there was that last pat, hug and kiss as he was tucked in for the night.

And then mommy stopped pouting and didn't mind not being the fun one.

sweet sleepiness

At long last I feel I have enough blood running to my brain in order to put more than monosyllabic utterings to paper. Nine months of hormone surges, a huge mass of a person attached to my torso, and three weeks and counting of around the clock feedings have provided me with little quality sleep for a grand total of about 10 months! I'm just thankful I know my own name.

We are settling into life as a family of four, trying to figure out what our new normal looks and feels like. We are learning how to care for our newborn while loving our firstborn through this huge, disruptive transition in his little world. Kenny is trying to figure out how to juggle school, work, family and sleep deprivation. I am trying to figure out how to parent well while running on little sleep and juggling two all by myself during the days. I am not complaining - I actually couldn't be happier and I would not trade it for anything else in the whole world.