reinvention

I am who I am, who I am
Well, who am I?
Requesting some enlightenment...
Could I have been anyone other than me?
-song "Dancing Nancies" Dave Matthews Band

Moving to a city far away, where you know no one, and more importantly, where no one knows you, provokes the fantasy that you have a chance to start over. You can be whoever you want. Someone totally different, if that strikes your fancy... the person that after years of some reflection, some regrets, and a whole lotta "I wish I would have done this differently" now has a chance to reinvent oneself and right the wrongs.

Don't get me wrong, I like me. I liked me before too. But it was kind of exciting a few months back when we first moved away from years of rootedness, to think that I don't really know anyone here, and they certainly don't know me, so I can be a little more extroverted this time around. And, I can be sweeter, less rough around the edges. I can come across more upbeat and syrupy... less sarcastic and cynical. I will, however, keep my sense of humor and my passion and love for... well the things I'm passion about and love.

New people, new culture, new climate, new everything. I was wide-eyed and thrilled to enter the next chapter for our family. I think I ran on adrenalin for several weeks. It was happy adrenalin as I, we, vigorously pursued the beautiful place where God brought us, the excessively friendly culture of this city, the new things to do, and the new home to build. It was easy to be upbeat, positive, extroverted, engaging.

Then after a handful of months, it started to drive me crazy that the people drove 5-10 miles under the speed limit as a general rule. The independent spirit here and strong ideas on what is right and wrong imposed on others... nevermind that sometimes its not black and white, people! Well, you see where I'm going here... the honeymoon wore off and my real self came bubbling to the surface. You see, there was the first time here that, just to prove a point, I wanted to rear end the person who pulled out in front of me as they continued going 20-miles per hour though I was going 40. I mean, that would be the natural consequence, right? And then there was the time when someone responded full of judgment, "Oh really? That place has ridiculously high prices..." when I told them where I grocery shopped. I wanted to say, "I shop at XYZ because I prefer my produce un-rotted."

I'm all for reinventing and bettering oneself. Throughout our lives, I believe that God shapes and molds our hearts, making them more righteous and holy. I really believe that. But it is also true that it really didn't take all that long for me to realize that I am who I am and moving to a new city didn't change anything except my longitude.

saturday morning

il dolce far niente

On this 30-something degree, sunny Montana evening, I'm sitting in front of my fireplace with a picture window to my right. I can see piles of melting snow out the window and just beyond that a very old farmhouse that remained as the new neighborhood development grew up around it. I hear cartoons in the background and my almost 2-year old daughter begging for chocolate. I don't know where she gets that from. My husband and I are planning on watching a movie on this Friday night after the kids are in bed. This is the first weekend in 4 or 5 weeks that we have the whole weekend to ourselves. Nothing scheduled. We can do whatever we want. And I think we won't do much. I think we are going to observe the sweetness of doing nothing.

back soon!

My lovely husband just got me a new computer for my birthday so I plan to be up and running soon again! Looking forward to continuing our story...

from there to here

When I reflect on my life as a married woman, I realize my husband and I have lived quite the life of provision from the Lord. In fact, I clearly see that the only way we were able to survive mentally, physically and financially throughout the last eight years, starting careers, changing careers, going to seminary, having kids, buying a house just to name a few, was solely upon the provision of the God we worship. Without Him giving us our every need, we wouldn't be where we are today.

It is an understatement to say our lives look very different now than what they did in the beginning. So where did we start? I was married to a man who wasn't sure if it was his lot in life to have kids, he felt an interest in theology but DID NOT want to pastor. Neither of us wanted to leave our beloved city, St. Louis, we were both moving forward in our careers, me as a caseworker and he as a financial guy. We lived in a two-bedroom apartment near family and the city, we were growing our community as a married couple, making friends and becoming active together in our church.

Where are we now? I'm a homemaker, raising my kids, doing what I can to serve in our church alongside my husband who is now a pastor of spiritual formation at a fast-growing country church in a small mountain city in Montana. We've gone from city slickers to small town folk, from a billion stores with infinite choices promising to fulfill any want or whim at your fingertips to a handful of local ones, from nice Midwesterners to bend-over-backwards, "whatever you need I can help" Westerners.

Though we got here to our surprise, it wasn't without our God shaping and molding our hearts, igniting our passions and fleshing out our gifts, leading us and teaching us, pruning and preparing us for the great adventure that lay ahead.

Though the path of Lord leading the church to us started in February of this year, our path of being led to them started much earlier...

trying to get back

Well, we made it. We've been living in the mountains for over a month. How I've longed many times to get back to blogging, but we are trying to figure out how to make my therapeutic personal time via blogging work. You see, we have the computer upstairs and I haven't figured out a way to blog during dear daughter's nap time without waking her. That's when I usually blogged before and it worked beautifully - the computer was far from her room before. We're trying to make something work. Hopefully I'll be back in full force soon. Just wanted to pop in and let you know what's going on. I have these grandiose ideas of writing out the whole story of how we ended up here... over the course of several weeks, of course. I hope those ideas become reality before I forget the whole story! Oh... and if you have any interest in commenting, I invite anyone who desires to do so. You just click on the "comments" section and you can leave one anonymously or you can click on "name/url" and put your name on it. I'm way out here in the mountains alone with the grizzlies and my husband and kids - words from other humans are highly encouraged! :-)

planning to return soon....

update

This is the road to the church where my husband will serve as director of ministry. You can't see the church from this picture, but it is right underneath the horseshoe break in the very cloudy morning...
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I am still here! I feel so cliche to say "we've been so busy," but its just the truth. We are trying to get our home sale-ready, we have been trying to iron out specific dates of moving, which include a long distance truck ride and plane tickets. We were looking for a home to move into, what moving company to go with, how to get the boxes we need to move, how to do the little projects around here to leave the place in good shape for the next person, my husband is graduating seminary this week, we are trying to spend time with friends and family as much as possible before we leave, we are grieving and celebrating simultaneously, AND on top of all that, we are just trying to figure out how to live normally in a very un-normal circumstance. I am not complaining at all, but its a lot of stuff, wouldn't you agree?!

So, my dear readers, I will be around as much as possible to write here, because I have missed those times of outlet and I look forward to their regular return. But for now, I will be more sporadic. Just know that I will pop in as I can, it may not be as regular as before, but know I will excitedly and more regularly return about mid June to early July. Please keep checking in - your time spent reading my jabber means more to me than you know! And, I can't wait to unfold and share the story of how God has done a mighty act in our family, launching us into the wonderful adventure of His calling upon our lives.

"For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable." - Romans 11:29

Happy Mama's Day, Mama!

"Your love has changed my life." or "I can't live without your wisdom, so thank you for being you." or "You bring the light of life and love to all whom you encounter." While those things are certainly true of my mother, I cannot bring myself to purchase a card packed with such generalized cheese. There's so much about my mom that a card could never articulate. So I am dedicating this post to my wonderful mother. Let me tell you about her.

She is a strong woman, valuing truth and love. She is selfless and giving. She is long suffering with hurting people and has a gift of bringing healing to the soul. She is a nurturing comrade to my father. A caring and thoughtful in-law to my husband. A patient, loving teacher to my children. And she is all those things and more to me.

I love that when I look into my daughter's beautiful eyes and face, I see my mother. I love when I hear my son speak, I hear the teaching and influence of my mother. I love that she has left a legacy in me that I cherish and guard and I embrace the opportunity to pass it along to my children.

We're going to be moving far away soon. It will only change how easily we can live daily life among each other, as her influence not only runs through my veins but also runs deep into our family that adores her and calls her blessed. I love you, mom! We all love you! Happy Mother's Day. I'm thankful God gave me you.


my wonderful son and my beautiful mom

hang with me!

I'm sorry its been so long since I've written. But let me show you why. Its because of this---------->







<----------AND, because if this.









We're heading WEST! More to come, I promise!

a street called memory lane

There's this street I drive on sometimes. I started frequenting this route when I moved back home from college - a lost, jobless soul, trying to figure out what to do with my life. Driving through its loveliness was a distraction from the questions I had about life swirling in my head at the time. Still today I drive it because even though it's sometimes out of my way, it's full of pretty scenery and I associate a lot of good memories with it. When I'm heading north on this street, there is a cemetery to my right with lush, green grass, flowers and beautiful mature trees as far as you can see. To my left are nice homes with landscaped lawns. My grandpa and grandma have burial plots at that particular cemetery and they like to tell us that when they die their ghosts will be sitting on the tombstone waving at us as we drive by. Even though, thankfully, they are still alive and kicking, I always smile to myself, thinking about them when I drive by... and I always will.

A few years ago I was on this road and noticed an older man, feeble, thin and lanky, with white hair and a white car, sitting on a lawn chair near the road next to one of the mature trees. At his feet was a fresh and full arrangement of flowers. Ever day after that when I drove past this cemetery I would see this man. Rain or shine. Hot or cold. He was always appropriately prepared. Eventually through the years there would be times I'd drive by and wouldn't see him. But it wasn't very long and I'd see that white car backed up to a spot near the road, the man on the lawn chair with fresh flowers at his feet. I have often thought about how cool it would be to stop my car, park near his, get out and ask him about her. A couple of weeks ago I noticed that I hadn't seen the man in a very long time. I had this sinking feeling because seeing him always brought me a certain peace and joy imagining the life story and love that sat and looked on at the spot of his deceased. Somehow seeing him made me reflect on my own life, thinking about getting old, wanting to enter my twilight years with a good life story where I made a difference in this world, impacting the next. I wondered what it would have been like to talk to this man and tell him how seeing him sit at the grave site impacted me over the years.

On today, this 80 degree, cloudless, beautiful spring day, with trees blooming in abundance all around, I was driving down this same road... now with my two children in the backseat chattering and laughing. There he sat. His car was backed up in the usual spot, flowers at his feet, looking onto his beloved. I was surprised at my own excitement in seeing him. But there he sat. My son startled me out of my thoughts. "Mommy, why are you smiling?" I paused while trying to come up with the words to answer him. "Oh... I just saw an old friend that I haven't seen in awhile, honey."

Oh how that road has been a comfort to me many times in my life. How that road has seen me through huge life changes, observing tears and laughter as I followed its twists and turns. And how finding that man alongside that road has inspired me to live a better life... maybe someday I'll be brave enough to let him know.

I'm so glad this isn't the weekend

I had been looking forward to this past long holiday weekend for a few weeks. Kenny was going to take Thursday and Friday off and then, of course, the Easter weekend. We had all kinds of really fun things planned. Well.......

What this past long weekend was supposed to look like:

Thursday:

• go to husband's hometown and get my hair cut at a place my sister-in-laws and nieces go to (all their haircuts are always so cute and no one ever cuts my hair the way I like it here so I thought I'd try)
• Kenny gets his annual eye exam from the doctor in his hometown and he was to go to the annual appointment
  
• spend the day in the country at husband's hometown, spend time with family, enjoy, come home

Friday:

• go to mall for fun spring shopping for kids' clothes and us
• have nice, easy dinner out with the kids
• finish Easter shopping
• enjoy a quite evening with husband relaxing either watching a movie or catching up on DVR shows
  

Saturday:

• hang out with the kids and husband
• maybe go to a park, fly a kite with Ben
• have lovely friends over in the evening and enjoy a meal together and hang out
  

Sunday:

• go to church
• have Easter egg hunt for the kids
• go to my parents' for family (extended included) Easter dinner

Monday - life back to normal after a wonderful, long, relaxing holiday weekend with the family.

What this past long weekend actually looked like:

Thursday:

• getting ready to leave the house for the 1 hour drive to husband's hometown and Ben pukes all over the living room floor
• Kenny and I debate whether or not this is a quick one-time puke or if he's sick
• Oh yeah, he's sick (after the 4th puke we call Kenny's mom to cancel our visit)
• I cancel my hair appointment, Kenny cancels his eye doctor appointment
  
• we scramble to reschedule our appointments - get something down for the following Tuesday
• I have to make an unplanned trip to the store for diapers and almost got into a car accident, as someone ran a light and almost nailed me from the side. I don't know how they missed me - close call, had to be angels covering me on that one
• Jenna is starting to get fussy, Ben's feeling a little better
  

Friday:

• Ben is better - no puking
• Jenna has a faucet for a nose and is fussy
• Ben's nose starts to run like crazy later in the day
  
• Kenny says, "I think I'm starting not to feel good"
• We're outside for a little while with the wind blowing and allergens swirling, my eyes start to itch
• I decide to go to the store to get stuff for our dinner guests so I don't have to worry about it tomorrow but on the way to the store my eye feels weird. I look at it in the mirror in the car and see my sclera is swelling so I freak out and think about going to urgent care
• I go back home and conduct a frantic search on the internet for what the heck is going on with my eye and how to I fix it
• We get the swelling to go down and I calm
• the kids are fussing at the same time and constantly. Kenny and I are wiping noses and trying to stand up under the insanity
• we don't leave the house - too much snot
  
• At night Ben has major difficulty sleeping (he's up late) and Jenna is crying every so often
• Kenny has to spend part of the night in Ben's room and we all get a terrible night's sleep

Saturday

• Ben's cranky, Jenna's cranky and Kenny is starting to feel absolutely terrible
• Kenny and I discuss whether or not we should change our dinner plans - would we make them sick or wouldn't we is the question... heck yeah they'd get sick, we regrettably have to cancel
• I call my parents begging to come over to escape the sick house madness
• I go to my parents for awhile and then finish Easter shopping all by myself
• I get back home into utter sickness and fussiness, we eat, everyone gets ready for bed and turns in early except for me
• I sit on the couch and think how bad this long weekend has sucked, especially given all the fun things we were supposed to have going on
  

Sunday

• despite sickness we get up and go to church with my grandparents (beautiful service)
• we put Jenna (who is still fussy and feeling terrible) to bed right away after the service
• Ben goes on a mini Easter egg hunt
  
• we go to my parents' for family Easter dinner and we pray we don't infect everyone there
• after a lovely day we get back home and eventually get the kids in bed
• Jenna is up off and on fussing again through the night
• Ben is up constantly complaining about his ear - in the wee hours of the morning Kenny drives to an urgent care with Ben because he is crying inconsolably throughout the night. Urgent care is closed, we debate about an emergency room visit and decide to give Ben Tylenol, try to put him to bed, and pray. He eventually falls asleep and we all get a few hours of sleep
• Kenny is feeling very sick and awful
  

Monday

• Kenny wakes up feeling and looking absolutely terrible and calls in sick to work
• I call the pediatrician and take Ben in - he has a "big, bad ear infection," as the doctor put it
• Jenna's nose is still runny but she's not as fussy
• we endure the day - though as the day goes on everyone is getting a little better - we get everyone in bed early, everyone sleeps through the night except Kenny who is hacking away and goes in to sleep on the couch so I can get sleep
  

Tuesday everyone is feeling better but not perfect. We finally got to go to my husband's hometown and had a nice day. Now its Wednesday and this is the first time I've had any sense of normalcy in 6 1/2 days. I never thought I'd be so excited for a long holiday weekend to end. I lived to tell that we all survived okay and I am so glad its not the weekend!

making mundane beautiful

Recently I was doing the things I normally do on any given weekday morning. Suddenly joy overwhelmed me and stopped me in my tracks. I was having a "moment." I was in the midst of a daily occurrence, experiencing a fulfilling joy at that very snapshot. I realized that though the days can be long, there are things that happen on a consistent basis and when I finally stopped to pay attention, I saw they were moments I treasured. Here are a few of them:

We don't need an alarm clock. The kids wake us up and my little morning glory is usually the one to do it. I love when I am groggy, get out of bed and the first thing I see is my daughter standing up in her bed waving at me with a beautiful, bright smile.

I love the way the light hits our bedroom in the morning when I open the curtains for the day. I consequently love walking by the room all day long.

I love that first cup of coffee in the morning.

I love when we are done with breakfast and I get on the floor with my kids and we all play together. I love how they always manage to make me and each other laugh.

I love the conversations I have with my son when its just the two of us, one-on-one.

I love the time of day when Jenna is down for her afternoon nap and Ben is in his room for "downtime" and I get to sit down, (many times for the first time all day) pick up a book, get caught up on email, or just stare out the window and daydream.

I love the anticipation of daddy coming home from work and how excited both kids (and I) are when he walks through the door.

I love when I am in the kitchen cooking dinner and can hear the kids laughing and playing with their daddy.

I love when after dinner I get to join them.

I love when we put the kiddos down for bed and my husband and I get to sit down and connect, talking about our days and anything else that strikes our fancy. Just the two of us.

Somehow my head gets all screwed up thinking certain things are going to make me happy that never do. I get so tired of the influx of bigger, better, more messages. I'm just thankful for that "moment." Otherwise I might not have stopped, looked around, and savored the beauty that is right before me every single day.

pensive

I will probably refer to this post a lot in the future because of God's continued work in the hearts of my husband and I and beyond. Our hearts feel things but our eyes are still veiled. I routinely try to wrap my mind around what exactly is going on but I cannot do so with the entirety that I desire. What I can say is this, I've found myself deep in thought a lot lately over what life would look like if everything as we now know it were different. What if, for the cause of Christ and living out the Gospel, we have to give up the daily comforts of our current lives? What about our community? What about our families? Our home?

Today I was reading to my son out of his children's Bible. I read the stories in order so I never know from day to day what story will be next. The reading for today had this to say:

"Jesus said, 'Coming home to God is as wonderful as finding a treasure! You might have to dig before you find it. You might have to look before you see it. You might even have to give up everything you have to get it. But being where God is - being in his kingdom - that's more important than anything else in all the world. It's worth anything you have to give up!'"

50 is the new 75

This weekend was wonderful. I know I seem obsessed with weather, but everyone around these parts would agree its been a very long, cold, dark winter. Sunday afternoon we packed up the family, went out to lunch and then for a long drive through some Ozark foothills. Even though everything was still pretty brown and... well... dead, the sky was a rich baby blue with cottony clouds enveloping the sun from time to time. It was great. It was still kinda cold - but lest you think it kept people inside, the walking/riding trails were packed full. Our neighbors were outside talking and laughing with each other, and I saw a couple kite fliers and ball players. However, it has always struck me as funny, and Sunday was no different, that in the spring when it hits about 50ish outside as Sunday was, people break out the bikes, baseballs and gloves, shorts, and walk, run, or ride outside like its 75 degrees. But when its about 50ish in the fall, people are breaking out their sweaters and jackets or just stay inside while the friendly neighborhood chatter dulls to a murmur.

But here we are, in the 50-somethings pretty consistently now and I can turn down the heater, open the front door, inhale the fresh air without forming ice crystals in my nostrils, and enjoy longer hours of daylight. I think we can safely say we made it over the hurdle of winter. YAY!

ch ch ch ch changes

There is something around the corner, I can just feel it. I have butterflies in my stomach when I think about it. The page is getting ready to turn and I have no idea what new plot line will emerge in the next chapter. And so I sit. And watch. And wait.

It feels like God is fixing our footsteps in a direction but everything is so cloudy still that I can't really see what is going on. It feels like the spiritual realm is hard at work around us and our hearts are stirring within us. It feels like God is going to make a move in our lives, I just don't know where, how, what or when. I want it to happen quickly, but these things take time.

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord when he delights in his way."
Psalm 37:23

Lord, help this family to delight in your way and give us ears to hear.

more to come...

can you hear me singing?

I'm so glad to be writing in front of a window that has sunshine pouring through instead of gloom funk. So far the 5-day forecast says its gonna be in the 40's with lots-o-shine and this, mama likey. I can't believe the difference the sun has made. I have had the energy to be productive the past few days and for that I am incredibly grateful. I even made dinner last night. So what if it was frozen leftovers from a couple of weeks ago? A meal not involving take-out is a good one these days!

In all actuality, I love cooking. I especially love cooking when there is fresh, locally grown produce involved. I really got into that kind of meal planning this past year because it tasted so much better and we had so much fun going to farmer's markets or the actual farms where the food was grown. Not only did everything taste better, but its so much healthier.

My interest in healthier living (to the point where it actually changed how I, and therefore we, lived) began about a year ago. My beautiful daughter's birthday (which we just celebrated) really is the marker for all our changes. It all started with a Jillian Michaels book and ended with me using a crystal rock for deodorant and drinking raw milk! There is oh-so much more, and I look forward to sharing my story as time goes on. But for now, I want to share an incredibly refreshing salad that I found in one of my new cookbooks. Just as an aside, I started using a lot of recipes out of a vegan cookbook, not because we don't eat meat (believe me, my boys would NEVER let that happen!), but because I realized we eat too much meat. A couple weeks ago I made a completely vegan meal for my family and everyone loved it. I also made it for friends we had over another night and they loved it too - so its unanimous!

This salad was one of the recipes I used in our completely vegan meal. I highly recommend it for a time when you are in the mood for a refreshing, salad with not-so-common vegetables. It also keeps for a couple of days - even with the dressing on it. I was a little concerned about the taste of a salad with only lemon juice squeezed on top and olive oil drizzled, but believe me, it really pulls all the flavors together and makes it taste light and refreshing. Try it and let me know what you think.

I'll give you the measurements listed in the book, but I used what I thought seemed right or to taste for us. By the way, this is from "Vegan Express" by Nava Atlas.

--4-6 ounces tender greens (baby greens, arugula, baby spinach, watercress, or a mixture - I used a baby greens mix with some extra arugula thrown in)
--1 cup green sprouts (such as sweet pea shoots or broccoli sprouts - Trader Joes has really good sweet pea shoots... I have never had them and they are so yummy in this salad)
--1 granny smith apple, diced
--1/2 medium daikon radish, sliced (this was something I never tried and I loved the flavor)
--2 large stalks celery or bok choy, sliced (I used both)
--1/2 medium cucumber, unpeeled (I used hothouse cucumber)
--olive oil or flaxseed oil (I used extra virgin olive oil)
--fresh squeezed lemon juice
--1/4 cup toasted pumpkin seeds (the recipe says optional, but having these in this salad gave the perfect flavor contrast to everything else going on in the salad)

Combine all ingredients, toss and serve.

Enjoy!

glorious ruin

Okay, I’ll say it. This week has been a hard week. It takes a lot for me to admit that because I work hard at keeping things, at minimum, status quo. But nonetheless I have felt, at various times throughout the week, how its looked outside. Its been cold and cloudy with traces of snow on the ground which isn’t even pretty anymore because you can see the ugly brown, dead grass and mud overwhelming the blanket of snow. Why has it been tough? I spent a lot of time thinking about it and discussing this with my husband, who also has had a touch of the ickiness. Our conclusion is it probably is a culmination of things; prolonged days of clouds and cold doesn’t bode well for Midwesterners who are used to crisp, sunny, cloudless winter days with a few snow bursts to accent the beauty of wintertime. This year it hasn’t been so. Lots and lots of dark, cloudy days that make you want to do nothing but stay in bed, pull the sheets over your head and sleep until tomorrow, hoping the next day will be better than the last. Also, we as a family are in a constant state of limbo because my husband just graduated from grad school and is looking for a job which could possibly take us away from our hometown. We feel like we have one foot planted and another poised for action elsewhere… we just don’t know where. This effects looking for preschools, how invested we get in doing home improvement, how much time we invest cultivating new friendships, taking on new projects, and the list goes on.

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I think there’s something innate in all of us that longs for better days, even if we’ve had the blessing of constant superior ones. We long for the better, the more beautiful, and I think that’s part of divine design. I think we are created with a longing for what we were really created for. Perfection - God style. There’s hope that one day this will be so, and that’s what we have to hang on to while down here in the muck and mire. We are created with a foot planted here and a foot poised toward action elsewhere and we won't fully be satisfied until we are where we were truly meant to be... dwelling with our Creator.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.'"
Revelation 21:3,4

Until then, I want to focus on the glory God has graciously housed alongside us while we completely turned our will against him. The things that reflect who he is... like the snowbirds that are slowly reappearing around here giving us a hope for new life in the spring. Like the precious kiss of a big brother on the head of a baby sister who just bumped her head on the couch. Like the scent of turning pages of a great book that you just can't put down. Like a father gathering his children when they run to him to feel his loving arms wrap around them in safety as he walks through the front door. Our hope is this, things as they are now, are not how they will be.

"And he who was seated on the throne said,

‘Behold, I am making all things new.’”

-Revelation 21:5

celebration time!

It’s my husband’s birthday today!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY! And for my husband’s birthday, I got flowers, dinner at a yummy upscale restaurant, a new IPod, and an Ina Garten cookbook (Barefoot in Paris – LOVE IT!).

Our week-long celebration of him began on Saturday. He was at a meeting Saturday morning before our celebration began, and when he came back home mid-morning, he walked through the door with flowers in arm. For me. Just to say, as he put it, how much he was looking forward to spending the evening alone with his wife. (swoon) We had my parents watch the kids while we went out to a wonderful upscale restaurant (which we reserve only for very special occasions, as this one was!). We enjoyed a leisurely dinner of beet salad, goat cheese and pine nuts with beef cheeks, haricot verts and pureed potatoes. Mmmmm! And for desert a warm chocolate torte – very enjoyable.

Also, I had been talking about wanting an IPod for awhile, so after his birthday dinner, my husband took me to the Apple Store and he showed me one he was eyeing for me. I loved it and so on his birthday celebration evening, he bought me an IPod. It was a wonderful night, just to be with my man, and to be able to focus only on each other.

And then..... over the weekend we got this coupon from Borders and we also had leftover money from a gift card, as well as money off their rewards point system. So my husband suggested we use all of that to go get a cookbook that I’ve wanted for awhile but have been waiting since its so expensive. With all the couponage that we had, we got the thing for half-off! Way to go husband!

So, you see, I did really well on my husband’s 35^th birthday!

This exemplifies just the kind of man I married. He is so kind and loving. He goes out of his way to make me feel special and safe. He knows me so completely, like no one ever has, and yet he unconditionally loves me still. And you should see him with our kids. He is an extremely involved father, loving on his kids every second he can, and they deeply adore him right back.

So here’s to the person I admire most in this world, to the person I love more than I could ever dream to verbalize, to the one I am so blessed to entrust myself and our kids to…. Happy Birthday, my love. We have a few surprises for you too and we can’t wait until you get home tonight so we can celebrate you!

the glory of a stay-at-home mom

Before I was a stay-at-home mom/homemaker, I believed life, if I was at home full-time, would be so much more manageable and organized, the family well fed, the home more often clean than not, mail sorted, meals planned, laundry caught up, and life generally orderly. And then I became one.

Fueled by grandiose ideas and illusion, I've still spent a good deal of time trying to accomplish the aforesaid. Why, you may ask? That’s what I said!

The reality is, I've spent more time figuring out rather than implementing how and when to do grocery shopping for the week, how and when to get the laundry done, how to make the bed while my 11-month old opens drawers and pulls out underwear. And all the while the mail piles up for another day as my 4-year old clings to my leg with a low blood sugar meltdown begging for lunch because its been 5 hours since we last ate.

So…………

This is what I finally realized after four years of being a stay-at-home mom – IT DOESN’T MATTER. When my babies are grown I don’t want them to say, “Yeah, our mom was preoccupied and haggard, but boy she could take a mean pile of mail and sort the heck out of it.”

So I am making a conscious effort to lower my expectations of me, set realistic goals, and turn my gaze toward my kids.

I mean, who wants to be distracted from this?

Or would even think about missing a second of this?

So if you’ll excuse me for now, I’m going to go make a mess and I’m not even going to clean it up.

believe it

I can't believe I only posted 4 times in 2009. I can't believe that its been almost 1 year since my baby girl was born. I can't believe that my baby boy isn't a baby anymore. I can't believe my husband finished 6 long years of seminary. I can't believe its so foggy outside that I can barely see across the street from my house. I can't believe a couple of weeks ago we had record breaking cold and now the ever elusive "they" are talking about temperatures in the 60's. I can't believe I can still hear my daughter awake when she was supposed to fall asleep for nap about 30 minutes ago. I can't believe I haven't heard a peep out of my 4 year old who is supposed to be playing quietly in his room for "downtime." I can't believe I'm gonna have to go check on the noisy one who's supposed to be quiet and the quiet one who's supposed to be noisy. I can't believe it may take me another whole year to post something else. Here's to hoping there's more posting in 2010!